The Not Hot Factor

I recently discovered How I Met Your Mother and it’s freakin’ hilarious. I know – it’s in its 6^th season – how could I have finally caught on to it now?

1. I’m usually not around or available to watch TV.
2. Usually every show I like gets cancelled. (October Road, Eli Stone, Kings, Pushing Daisies, etc.) I’d rather watch something that’s been successful for a while & since I’m always seasons behind, I can prepare myself for the disappointment of a series that has been killed.

Belated show discoveries aside, the show reminded me of one of my favorite tangents to share with friends – the Not Hot Factor. There’s a zillion books, articles, magazines, movies, shows, etc. about how to pick up women, but something still isn’t clicking. People still do stupid things, what is decidedly Not Hot. In the show, much like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, the group’s dating stories illustrate how relationships go sour, or rather – how they never start. Typically, it’s because someone brought in the Not Hot Factor.

How do you define the Not Hot Factor? What makes someone Hot whereas someone is clearly Not Hot? Honestly, it’s hard to pin down. Unfortunately, I can’t offer much on the specific qualities of how to raise your hotness, but thanks to multiple stories & instances from friends’ and personal experiences, I’ve collected a little storehouse of Not Hot stories – failed attempts at romance. Below is a list, not ranked in order of importance, of Not Hot case studies. Unfortunately, my snippets of lack of hotness won’t solve the world’s problems, but that’s okay. Ranting is satisfying.

• Clicking Your Tongue

While dining out, an older man approached the young female server, clicked his tongue…

Wait. Stop right there. Don’t EVER click your tongue at a girl, unless she happens to be four-legged and eats food consisting of pellets. If you want to get her attention, don’t treat her like a dog. That’s just…

Not Hot.

• The Inappropriate Dinner Invite

..did the “Hey, baby” head cock and asked her if she’d like to go out for dinner after this.

Don’t be stupid. He just ordered dinner, and then promptly asked her to join him for dinner a couple hours later. Perhaps in his world that was a compliment, “Baby, I’ll eat two meals for you. You’re that great.” Regardless, his comment was idiotic and…

Not Hot.

• Underage Hit-Ons

Apparently restaurants are ripe with opportunities for men to snatch up the young vixen serving staff. Clearly, anyone working behind a counter is just begging to be wooed by hungry patrons.

If  she looks young enough that you could be her father, don’t ask her out. More so, if she looks like she’s 16, she probably is. Back off. You just walked right into Creepy Old Man territory. Back away, because that’s…

Not Hot.

• The Telescope Gaze

When speaking with a woman, give your eyes limited traveling range. If you find your gaze gliding from her face then down to her toes, and your chin almost touches your chest as your eyes roam, you’ve given her the Telescope Gaze. (It’s also highly likely that your chin is hanging ajar, too. Shut it.)

If you’ve just met this woman or have a limited acquaintance with her, don’t go body-gazing with her as the scenery. It’s yet another way to march boldly into Creepy Man territory (you can be young or old for this category) and just lost any hope of being known as that Really Great Guy. Instead, you’re the one who gave her the heebie jeebies, and the thought that muumuus might actually be a necessary outfit. Free-ranging eyes are decidedly…

Not Hot.

• The Drive-By Phone Request

When you see an attractive stranger at a stoplight or alongside you in traffic, don’t call out “Hey, baby, give me your number!” To make matters worse, don’t continue cruising alongside her, feverishly motioning for her to pull over so you can get her phone number. You’ve just hit the jackpot with the OMG-Stalker-Where’s-the-Police? Card. Most rational, safety-minded women will not pull over to give strange men their phone number and the opportunity for 1:1 interaction. Not only are you creepy, you just might get a date with the police by showing how to be utterly…

Not Hot.

• The Ever-Present Pursuer

If you call a girl once and leave a message, leave it there. There’s no need to call her immediately again. You left a message. That should be sufficient. If she wants to get back with you, she will. Let’s be practical – if she didn’t answer the first time you rang, she probably won’t be available or won’t answer 5 or 15 minutes later. Then you just sound desperate. More than anything, you sound stupid. Be practical. You told her what you wanted. Let her get back with you – don’t force it. Don’t push yourself on her, otherwise you’ll demonstrate how to be…

Not Hot.

• 5 Minute Proposals

So you met this amazing woman who just rocked your world. She’s pretty, she’s kind, she’s giving, she’s smart – she’s got everything you could ever want in a woman. She just might be the One. If the sum of your conversations have is 5-30 minutes, don’t propose. Wait. Give yourself a few days, a few months. Heck – why not actually get to know her first? (That doesn’t mean aggressively read up on her Facebook profile, either.) Try talking. Not proposing. Otherwise you’ve just freaked her out, and killed any chances of getting a “yes” to even just a date. You just become the Over-Eager Groomsman, which is…

Not Hot.

Unfortunately, these are the only stories I could recall immediately, but don’t fear – I’ll have more. In the meantime, I hope you take up the torch for eliminating the Not Hot Factor from the world, one interaction at a time. Really, losing the Not Hot Factor isn’t complicated. Just remember a couple things to ask yourself,

A) Am I doing something stupid?

• Yes – you might be foolish sometimes around people you find attractive, but think about what you’re about to do. Use your common sense.

B) Would this freak out my sister/mother/friend/child if someone did this to them?

• Perhaps you come from a community of creepy people. If so, I’m sorry – you’ll need to find a different scale for measuring your advances. Otherwise, think about how your future/real daughter might feel about someone doing this to her. Hopefully it’ll help you re-evaluate your strategy.

Overall, use some common sense. Women want respect. Respect their brains. Don’t be stupid. Respect their sensibilities by not being creepy and you can lose (or never gain) the Not Hot Factor.

Bubbling Over

This has been my year of worries. Worrying about doing my job well with my floor; worrying about my residents, family and friends; worrying about doing well in school, getting a summer internship and managing my commitments well. Throw in a little guilt from not feeling like I do enough with what I have, and you’ve got a very confused and frustrated girl.

I’ve known that none of these whirling thoughts can help, but being the dedicated girl I am – I’ve stuck to worrying like gum on a shoe.

I finally found peace, though. After scouring And One More Thing Before You Go and my Bible, I’ve given up worrying (at least until I stumble again). Whatever I’m worried about will work out somehow – it always has. God hasn’t failed me yet and He never will (though I may not realize it at the time). He’s good, wise and mighty – what have I to fear?

Not only does God have me, but I’ve got lots of love. Sometimes I just can’t believe how much love I’ve been given. Every day I’m reminded of someone who cares for me and vice versa. Scattered throughout my room, my life, really, are reminders of undeserved love. Books, jewelry, cards, pictures, notes, Grandma’s things, verses… are just a few of the material things that remind me of others who genuinely care about me. I can’t forget the interactions – phone calls, e-mails, coffee chats, walks, smiles, favors… Loved ones who I could turn to whenever I’m struggling, joyful or just “being.”

It’s an amazing feeling – being thoroughly loved. This may be a poor illustration, but it’s like a dog getting a bath (who enjoys baths). You’re standing in a tub of warm soapy water and though you may not deserve it, someone keeps rubbing you all over with sudsy water, making you clean and giggling in the process. Once your bath is over, you simply must run around from giddiness and the desire to be dry again, but it’s a new kind of dryness, clean and warm.

Feeling loved is something you can’t quite pin down. It’s just there – undeserved, clean, refreshing and warm.  

On Sunday, while marking up papers with my residents, one of them said that she felt loved, really loved. It may or may not have had anything to do with me, but it was an incredible feeling to hear her say that. Knowing that she felt treasured was awesome. I hope everyone gets to experience that. It’s a feeling that makes worries and other issues pale in comparison.  

If showing others that they’re loved was my job, I’d be thrilled beyond belief. People need to know that. Regardless of what they may or may not have done, someone cares about them as they are – broken and genuine. The complete package, including the faulty gears and troublesome quirks.

For now, I’ll give up on pinning down the feeling of love. It’d take years, but it’s worth sharing as much as you’ve got. Love is a huge gift that we need to give to each other over and over again.

It’s more than romantic, family or friends… it’s unending grace and laughter and joys and tears and smiles and hugs and prayers… It’s everything and more. It’s what life is all about.