This has been my year of worries. Worrying about doing my job well with my floor; worrying about my residents, family and friends; worrying about doing well in school, getting a summer internship and managing my commitments well. Throw in a little guilt from not feeling like I do enough with what I have, and you’ve got a very confused and frustrated girl.
I’ve known that none of these whirling thoughts can help, but being the dedicated girl I am – I’ve stuck to worrying like gum on a shoe.
I finally found peace, though. After scouring And One More Thing Before You Go and my Bible, I’ve given up worrying (at least until I stumble again). Whatever I’m worried about will work out somehow – it always has. God hasn’t failed me yet and He never will (though I may not realize it at the time). He’s good, wise and mighty – what have I to fear?
Not only does God have me, but I’ve got lots of love. Sometimes I just can’t believe how much love I’ve been given. Every day I’m reminded of someone who cares for me and vice versa. Scattered throughout my room, my life, really, are reminders of undeserved love. Books, jewelry, cards, pictures, notes, Grandma’s things, verses… are just a few of the material things that remind me of others who genuinely care about me. I can’t forget the interactions – phone calls, e-mails, coffee chats, walks, smiles, favors… Loved ones who I could turn to whenever I’m struggling, joyful or just “being.”
It’s an amazing feeling – being thoroughly loved. This may be a poor illustration, but it’s like a dog getting a bath (who enjoys baths). You’re standing in a tub of warm soapy water and though you may not deserve it, someone keeps rubbing you all over with sudsy water, making you clean and giggling in the process. Once your bath is over, you simply must run around from giddiness and the desire to be dry again, but it’s a new kind of dryness, clean and warm.
Feeling loved is something you can’t quite pin down. It’s just there – undeserved, clean, refreshing and warm.
On Sunday, while marking up papers with my residents, one of them said that she felt loved, really loved. It may or may not have had anything to do with me, but it was an incredible feeling to hear her say that. Knowing that she felt treasured was awesome. I hope everyone gets to experience that. It’s a feeling that makes worries and other issues pale in comparison.
If showing others that they’re loved was my job, I’d be thrilled beyond belief. People need to know that. Regardless of what they may or may not have done, someone cares about them as they are – broken and genuine. The complete package, including the faulty gears and troublesome quirks.
For now, I’ll give up on pinning down the feeling of love. It’d take years, but it’s worth sharing as much as you’ve got. Love is a huge gift that we need to give to each other over and over again.
It’s more than romantic, family or friends… it’s unending grace and laughter and joys and tears and smiles and hugs and prayers… It’s everything and more. It’s what life is all about.
